You know it's never a good sign when your mom comes down the stairs and takes you quietly by the elbow up to her room. I have never cried so hard for so long. At least that that I could remember. I cried all night. To the point that my body ached, my head was splitting open, and my stomach was ready to throw up. My face was red and puffy the whole next day.
I went to see your mom 3 days after you passed away. I was nervous. I didn't know what to say. We went back to your room. I cried. Your blankie was there. Your stuffed bunny. But everything else was gone. Except for some jewelry, lip gloss, beanie, and scarf. Your mom offered me your last possessions. The lip gloss was unopened because she had given it to you for Christmas just a week earlier. I took the scarf. It smells like you. So does that hat. I left the jewelery. I hope Ali took it. I think she would have like it.
Your mom asked me to speak at your funeral. I am not going to lie, I was expecting to maybe get asked to play my violin, but to speak....and play my violin....? I was overwhelmed. The only thing that kept running through my head was "I'm too young to be speaking at my friends funeral. I'm too young...." Your mom just asked that I share some memories and thoughts of you. She wanted me to play a song that you would like. I had no idea what to choose. I hope you liked what I did play. I chose something that I knew by heart because I didn't want to have to use music. I can't see music when I'm crying.
Your funeral was beautiful. You had a closed casket because your mom said you would be so embarrassed if people saw you like that. She was right. I loved that she told me the inside was bright pink. You loved bright colors. The outside of your casket was white. There were beautiful bright Gerber daisy's on top. They matched the scarf I wore that day. Your scarf.
I had awful dreams for at least 2 weeks after you died. All my friends kept dying. Then my family. A new death every night. I would wake up and not know who was still alive or dead.
Death is a strange thing, yet we will all one day die. How is it decided when we will die? Why were you taken at just 21? You were taken from us for a short period of time, but you were given back to Heavenly Father? My testimony has been strengthened and continues to get stronger. I pray and pray that I may learn from this experience.
You called me on Christmas Eve to come get you from work because your car had broken down. I drove down to Payson and picked you up. We stopped at Shopko to get PB M&M's. What a silly last adventure we had together, but I am so grateful for it. I was sad when you didn't come to my house for Christmas Eve dinner, but I was still happy that you stopped to get a plate of food late that night.
Carly, you are beautiful. I love you. Probably more than you will ever know. I would pray for you often while you were still here. I worried about you. I wanted you to be happy. Not worldly happy, but the real kind of happy. I really did want you to come to church with me all those times I asked you. I am sorry I was not as good of a friend as I could have been. I failed in so many areas. I pray that you may forgive me. I will miss getting texts from you asking when I would be up from Cedar next. You last text to me said, "when you headin back to Cedar?" I never text you back. I was too tired. How horrible that excuse makes me feel now. I still ask myself if things would be different if I had acted on the promptings I had the night before you passed. I know I can't blame myself. But some days it is so tempting. "If I had done this, or if I had done that..." I tried to be a good friend.
One of my new dreams in life is to go to Romania and take care of the babies in the orphanages. That was one of your dreams, and I hope to be able to fulfill that for you.
I love you Carly Megan Lichfield.
June 29, 1990-December 28th, 2011
June 29, 1990-December 28th, 2011
